3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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