He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
