My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
