My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
