I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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