I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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