he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
