I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
