Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
this boner is exhausting
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
