my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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