The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
