we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
