Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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