imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
