I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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