i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
