Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
