I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
