Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
please don't ironically join a cult
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