I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
