You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
