You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
