Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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