we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
