Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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