Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
