I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
