I didn't shave. On purpose
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
