Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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