i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
