I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
