There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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