pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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