I need to stop coming to work sober
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
