moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
