you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
