How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
