I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
