i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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