Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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