my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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