Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
