Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
