Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
