next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
