i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I am spending my child support on dildos
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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