I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
