Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
