can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
