He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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