I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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