Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
