Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
