Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
