I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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