He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
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