You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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