She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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