im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
